Usually I write things I am happy about, proud of, or little things I find funny. Sometimes writing helps me to wrap my head around things and put it all into perspective. Today I am writing to sort out my mind with the goal that maybe I will actually be able to sleep tonight.
I am a stay at home mom, I take pride in my children, my home, the food I cook, and even the laundry (see last post), and I feel very fortunate we are able to have me at home. Recently, however, I am feeling quite humble and in need of resources on how to handle my eight year-old. I am not being the mom I want to be to him, nor my other children because this has been such an ordeal.
Trent is a wonderful kid and I love him to my core. At school, he excels in without effort, has many friends, and is polite around others. We are very proud of him, but at home I am finding myself left with feelings of frustration, sadness, and anger. Trent is not the same boy he is when he is at school. I have always noticed a huge power struggle between him and his brothers to become "alpha male," but the difference with Trent is he does whatever it takes to win. He will say mean things, become physical, or steal things away, just to have the upper hand. It causes a lot of conflict between him and his older and younger brother.
My struggle with Trent is his total disregard for his misplaced belongings. His room has never been tidy and we have always had to remind him to clean up after himself, but recently it's been more than that. Shoes in the middle of the room or milk left out may not seem like much, but when it is compounded by the backpack and jacket left in the foyer and a crumpled up cracker on the counter (for no particular reason than "it was there") I get very frustrated.
It feels personal, though I know it's not. I don't think Trent is intentionally leaving his things around with malice, knowing it will drive me crazy. I have resorted to taking his things and hiding them or just throwing them away. Yesterday I took out his homework from his backpack and hid it from him and gave it back to him once he returned from school in the afternoon. Within ten minutes, the backpack was still left in the family room, along with his alternative bag which held the next day's homework. I took away everything, hoping it will make a bigger impact since the last punishment didn't seem to work.
With five kids and being a former special education teacher, I have a lot of tricks up my sleeve. My friends come to me asking for advice on discipline and my usual response is to find some "currency" which is important to the child. This is a struggle for me with Trent. The loss of TV or video games doesn't seem to effect him, the loss of friends to come over is pointless because there is always someone to play with here and Trent likes to be alone a lot.
I think the currency for Trent is the "cool factor," he needs to be cool. My internal struggle is how do I punish my son and still have him maintain his self-confidence and still have me maintain the loving and nurturing mother I want to be? How do I take away an element of cool without taking away a piece of him I can never get back? How do I teach him respect and kindness with respect and kindness?
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