Last weekend was Kate and Luke's second birthday. My feelings about this are very complex. While I am excited they are growing older and more independent, a part of me begins to realize I am losing my identity. For the last two years, plus a couple of months after we found out we were expecting twins, I have been consumed with them. From the bed rest and pre-twin anxiety to the sleepless nights and juggling two babies plus three children, motherhood has been all-consuming.
I used to be very proud of my organization and crafty projects, but now am proud of lesser accomplishments such as daily showers and the occasional clean sheets. When I was teaching, my colleagues would tease me about always having "my ducks in a row." I even was presented a wonderful figurine of ducks by my principal at a staff meeting, her version of Teacher of the Year. As our family has multiplied, the craftiness, cleanliness, and organization has dwindled and I've been okay with this. Really.
But now the babies are getting older and it hard to admit I'm starting to feel a little lost. Gone are my excuses to order pizza for dinner, to ignore the dog hair on the carpet and the piles of laundry in the baskets. My expectations are higher now which is where the problem lies.
I can't be defined by the cleanliness of my house, I need more than that. Motherhood, of course, is the most loved and most important job I have, but I need some things which define me, excite me and make me happy. For the past two years, I have lost my sense of self and now is the time to find it again.
This may be a long journey.
No comments:
Post a Comment